Seeking "Help"

From the age of 30, i knew i was a paedophile. At the time of realisation, i ended up calling myself "pedo, pedo, paedophile, your a paedophile!" several times a day. Trying to understand why this word (and myself) was associated with harm was the most confusing and harrowing time of my life. It just did not add up. I was however able to socialize with people while keeping this "secret" locked away. Over the last 7 years i have had to consider getting help, although i was discovering "help" was non-existant. I also knew i deserved help and understanding over this as this was not something i was "choosing" in my life.

It was like coming up against a brick wall every time i said to myself, "ok, all i have to do is get some mental help, after all, im not bad a person and do strive towards being a decent human. Oh, hang on, i cannot go through with this as the therapist or counsellor may believe im a threat to society and call the police on me or have me named 'n shamed and put on some list"....So it never happened, but many times over recent years ive been absolutely desperate for it!

At this stage in my life, every evening i am contacting someone different in order to spread the truth about this subject. I am done with idiots that just want to shout out evil death threats. They are sad narrow minded people and i can honestly feel "superior" to them now, as on every occasion, they have ignored and failed to argue any of the points i make.

I've challenged the idea of therapy again, but i know i have to be extremely careful and its imperative i find out how they feel before meeting them. I expect the vast majority of people to be prejudiced over this, a sad but true fact. Its also important that i dont "rebel" against society, but maintain belief in myself that i am indeed "suffering a social injustice" and that change can happen. (I quoted the words used by a moderator from a mental health forum, although to my detriment, as he included the words "You are not")

When i see prejudice from people that i should be able to trust and respect, my mind retaliates by contradicting their beliefs. I always talk truthfully to people and always answer people's (sensibile) questions.

Yesterday, I contacted by email, a very local professional therapist. Finding someone that acknowledges both: that i am a victim; and the irrational hysteria that has been with us for so long now, will be a challenge. Here is my first contact and as i expected, she was prejudiced, althogh obviously intelligent. I will add to my blog any further correspondence i have with this person.


HI (######),

Im very local to you which is why im contacting you.
Lately i have been relying on the samaritans for my therapy, but now i realise i will have to pay for someone to help me tackle my situation.

Being able to email you is very convenient as there is 1 question id like to ask you in which the answer will be the deciding factor in whether or not you can help me.

Should a paedofile be punished or helped?

Thankyou
Kind regards
Jane'
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Hi Jane

The answer to your question is depends. Depends on the goals, commitments of the person to change, and the circumstances of the crime. Plus insight into the crime and the effects on the victim.

Counselling is difficult with people still involved in any way. Counsellors are obliged to report all threats, intent, and actions which could be threatening to others (ie in this case children). So a client having counselling could not expect confidentiality if they were looking at indecent images of children, declaring intent to harm children, etc.

I suggest you find a counsellor or psychologist who has experience in this field. You need a confidentiality agreement in writing and clearly explained. I hope you find a suitable counsellor so you can make the changes. I feel I cannot help you.

Best wishes
(######)
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HI (#######),

I quote:
"I hope you find a suitable counsellor so you can make the changes. I feel I cannot help you."

I think i may have failed in my attempts to miss-lead you in my first email. I want to sincerely apologize for that as it wasn't intended to spook you. I'm a male paedophile living quite near to you! The media would have you feel "fear" over this and they have achieved their aim in most cases. I intend to contact several counsellors but also have the need to "test" their opinions first without causing them to react emotionaly and angrily; which is why i called myself "Jane".

You seem to be one of the more level-headed of people as its clear you are aware of the complications and that things regarding this are far from "black & white". I read many statements from people that they'd like "all" paedophiles castrated, hung, imprisoned and the less polite being: bullet in the head, hung by testicals or a dam good beating. At 37 ive had enough of reading in the news (lately it has been almost daily) that im branded and assumed to be a child molester. It has finally and inevitably started to affect my sanity and now its an "obsession". Not quite what the government and media should be aiming towards.

You made it clear that you are not the right person to deal with this, but with respect, do you not intend to strive towards dealing with "everyones" problems? Why should i be a "no-go"? Isn't this something you'd like to challenge? There are many that need your help, however, im not going to try and persuade you.

Judging by your reply, you have no interest in discussing it further, which is ok as "most" people in this country dont want to discuss it either. You can see why im tearing my hair out as every night i type out emails to society trying to get a rational response, but the media won and im left a forgotten victim. The bad news is there are literally thousands of guys like me as studies have suggested there are indeed many paeodphiles about, and they're right. They're wrong however to believe "all" are criminals and "abusers".

I can explain why:
The original meaning of the word "paedophile" stood for "lover of children". In the dictionaries now it reduces this to "a sexual attraction", but it didnt stop there; the assumed meaning of the word is now "child molester" and even "killer" as Roy Whiting, (the killer of Sarah Payne) has always been called a "paedophile killer", suggesting that paedophilia is about harm. So you see, the word has been changed due to hysteria and paranoia and is now the exact opposite of the original meaning. I have never abused a child so i simply do not deserve this vilification, discrimination, prejudice and outright bullying. If my so called "illness" was to harm, then i wouldnt be in this situation, but hopefully in prison or a secure mental institution. There is no scientific proof to suggest that pedosexuality is any less of a sexual orientation than homosexuality. So i have resisted the slander and do not call this an "ilness".

I strongly believe that the vast majority of society is "guilty" of discrmination against the likes of me, even the ones that claim themselves to be humanitarians. So if i found your reply to be a little somewhat prejudice, i certainly wont hold it against you as it was likely "media driven". I should put money with mouth so here are your prejudices in my opinion:

I asked: "Should a paedofile be punished or helped?"

I quote:
"Depends on the goals, commitments of the person to change, and the circumstances of the crime. Plus insight into the crime and the effects on the victim."

You assumed that paedophiles are criminals by pure nature of their attraction, but it cannot be a crime to be a paedophile.


I quote:
"Counselling is difficult with people still involved in any way. Counsellors are obliged to report all threats, intent, and actions which could be threatening to others (ie in this case children)"

Here, you are either insinuating it can be "cured", or you believe that in order to indentify someone as a paedophile, a crime must have taken place. The real morbid truth is: a) There is no cure. & b) Controlling oneself to the point of abiding to the whole letter of the law does not mean that person is no longer a paedophile.


I quote:
"So a client having counselling could not expect confidentiality if they were looking at indecent images of children, declaring intent to harm children, etc."

In this sentence you listed "indecent images of children," with "declaring intent to harm children" as if they were one and the same. This is where government have blatantly criminalized paedophiles and the media have managed to convince the nation that "harm" and not "love" is the motivation. The word "love" i agree is a dodgy word to use and would seem unlikely to most people, however, many people, including myself also "love" animals. I can hand-on-heart say that the word "harm" given to the intentions of a paedophile could not be further from the truth, where as "love" would be alot more realistic and closer to the truth. No word in the English language has been branded about with such impunity as the word "paedophile". The reason? revenge on people that harm children and therapy for the families. Words like "indecent, abuse, childporn" have also been distorted and manipulated to a worrying degree. The law on possession of "indecent images" can carry upto a ten year prison sentence, but here is the punch-line: "indecent" has not been defined.....go figure!
I could bet alot of money that you cannot draw a clear line between a decent image and an indecent image. If you can, then please write to Jack Straw and advise him. Going back to your assumption that enjoying an "indecent image" is the same as "intent to harm", let me explain why they are soo different. Simply put, an emotional attraction can go hand-in-hand with a sexual attraction; its how many humans of the opposite sex get together and reproduce, so therefore the same attraction can be applied to paedophiles. Homosexuality is away from the percieved "norm" too but they're not accused of "intending to harm". They were treated in a similar way (although not as barbaric) in the 1860's to how we are being treated today. So, if you put aside your prejudices for a moment and take on board what i say, then naturally paedophiles will take pleasure in looking at pretty or beautiful children. Now most of us know that any kind of relationship couldnt morally and realistically take place, so please explain the "intent to harm" when a person downloads a photo of a girl, maybe in a bikini at the beach (or wherever). She is naturally smiling and enjoying herself and she is usually from a modelling agency with the consent of herself and of her parents. I can see the discrimination without doubt, when a "decent" picture of a girl that is not "abused", but looked after becomes "indecent" when its in the hands of a paedophile. That, is wrong no matter what the cause of concern may be. What is also wrong; is when men (and women) that genuinely harm children and cause them obvious distress, get named paedophiles. I read this stuff several times a week! Everytime, its another attack on my life and another push out of society and into a world of my own. My life HAS been taken away from me, there is no doubt, as everynight i sit and type out emails to random people that i should be able to have respect for and try to enlighten them and give them the others side of the story which they NEVER hear from the media!
When i watched "The execution of Gary Glitter" on channel 4, i saw real children wearing t-shirts with "Kill The Pedo Scum" on them. I had to remind myself that they think im the one thats evil, yet its more likely that the force behind making those kids stand there and shout out such hatred with the arrogance of their parents as the cause, was the real evil at work.

I cant give exact figures, but take 100 random paedophiles (people fond of and sexualy attracted to children, not the meaning you have been taught), In that group you will get the same kinds of personalities as you would get with 100 random citizens. Some will be nice and some wont be. (You will have your own idea of good:bad ratio of society) In my opinion, putting my complaints against society aside, i might estimate that maybe 5-10 of those are bad. Use that as a basis for the 100 paedophiles and you might have 5-10 abusers. As for killers, well, im sure you wont have any.
Ok, so maybe we have 5-10 child victims that have been damaged, but not necessarily in all cases they are damaged for life. Contrary to what many think, a situational offender that lost self-control and ended up unintentionally manipulating and causing harm to a child for his own pleasure, i think is quite different to those that molest the victim in obvious distress and carry out rape and intercourse. These people have no interest other than to harm, thus denying themselves the label of "a paedophile".
As damaging as their experience may have been, many or some victims of abuse do get past their experience and get on with life and have families, jobs, social lives, love and laughter. I can only make a judgement on that.
The other 90-95 paedophiles? They are regularly punished for the crimes of, not only the 10, but also for the ones that rape, kidnap and kill. They are 90 victims that are shunned out of society that have NO chance of the life i suggested the abuse victims can re-gain.

I am denied the right to live in peace in order for abuse victims and their families to "get revenge" on the bad guys. Life has been taken away from me so the only choice i am left with is to fight for my rights as i dam well deserve. Without that, then the only other choices are: a) find some rope with a loop on the end and write a note to my family, or b) get the hell out of this madness and leave the country i was born in that systematically let me down.

Seeing the grim reality of my life yet? Are you sure you dont feel the need to learn more?

This is what i do everynight and will continue until such times i see a positive change in general feeling. Anybody else would do the same in my situation. If i can get through to 1 person per day and make them re-visit their beliefs on this, then i can retain my strength and carry on with my existence. Today is your turn..i hope you dont mind. Why do i not leave the country? Guilt. Guilt for those like me i leave behind to face the hell hole of a life thats been given to them.

Only stories like this can be a result of pedo hysteria: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1223528/Parents-banned-supervising-children-playgrounds--case-paedophiles.html#comments

I still have so much more to say about my life and more examples to show you. I have tonnes of similarly crazy stories that reveal the affects of supposed "child protection". Its gone too far that now children are being negatively impacted by all this. The "protectors" have now become society's real abusers in my view, but nobody listens to me right? im a paedophile.


Thanks for reading
regards.........(#######)









UPDATE:
I am having problems replying to comments, so i will add my replies here:

I would like to react to the first comment, in particular, this:

"I think viewing pornographic pictures, or kiddie porn is a very grey area"

Yes, it is very grey. So why do we have a law that can: name and shame by the media, wreck the person's life and family, and sentence one to prison when the law on it is "grey"?? Such laws should have NO grey areas AT ALL! It should be crystal clear! With all that destruction to that person and his family, i ask you: what did it gain?? Were children really saved from abuse?? Did it help the paedophile?? If they are pictures of children posing, then fight to have those sites closed down, but first you have the task of proving abuse over moral objection.

Even in a case where a person has material of sexual acts, or even the devastating and blatant terrorizing of a child (both of which examples i dont regard the abusers as "true" paedophiles), what did the naming and shaming do exactly?
What a person views can be a million miles from what a person does, as is proven in the so-called entertainment of rape, mutilation and murder we see in movies; you name it, its been simulated on screen!!
I dont think such draconian laws should be applied to the viewers. All resources should go into identification of the abusers and get them caught! The viewers of such material should be made to under-go a course in sex counselling and rehabilitation, but absolutely should have the right to anonymity, if not for his sake, but the sakes of his relatives that will also suffer. Thats alot of suffering that has been induced by law, but the suffering victims he was viewing, were not, as a result, subjected to further harm or torture.


There are many children growing up to be paedophiles in our schools all the time. Yes children, that you are saying to, "if you dont develop a "natural and normal" sexuality and become attracted to youngsters, then we will hurt you, hunt you, force you into the stero-type we see fit and make your lives a living hell!" The alleged "abuse" of a child posing in front of a camera does not warrant this barbaric punishment for the act of "looking" at it. It is not a crime to be a paedophile, unless you can prove to me otherwise. Alot of people forget that a paedophile can also be attracted to adults, that would apply to me.

It can be controlled. I only on occassions release to pictures of children, but even then, im not simulating intercourse or acting out. The best solo sex i get? Absolutely no thought of females at all, but achieving and mastering meditative pleasure. Don't deny me the vision of natural beauty that everyone else takes for granted. Its clear i am being denied this with only assumptions to justify it. Not good enough.
Children dont need to be abused for paedophiles to have right to life and a way of release. To suppress someone 100% of their orientation, is inhumane.







UPDATE:

Again, i have to use the main post to leave my replies. I should be able to blog without fear and the need for security, but that is not possible...

Thankyou Steve Diamond for contributing at a real moment of need. In these last few days ive taken many attacks on a mental health forum that left me battered and bruised. I was feeling very isolated and upset after they decided to ban me without warning. I was maliciously kicked out for giving too much information, which was only given upon request. They simply let me go to face whatever fate laid before me without a single damn concern. When they didn't like the truth, they put their fingers in their ears, kicked me out and slammed the door in my face. A forum that promises support to "all" people that are concerned about their mental health.
They need to make it clear, that people like me are NOT supported there.

Their idea of help was to allow others to bombard me with questions, make vile threats, accusations and assumptions, and then say "hey look, we found this!"; an organisation in preventing child abuse...but has Sweet-Nothing to do with any help for the serious psychological affects caused by being the country's "Most Hated".

It was really nice to see such a place for people to get advice, we havent got that far yet in the UK. Apart from Poland, (who now chemically castrate "paedophiles" as by compulsory procedure, or was that "child molester"? I dont know, no one ever tells me, only that; "a paedophile is a paedophile" etc.)...... i think this country is the most hateful out of the western-world towards this, or MAP's. Im now thinking i should drop the pedo label like you have as its used like a weapon more than to give actual "meaning" to a subject. The word has been corrupted and destroyed, therefore its been invalidated, at least in the UK.
I dont know how it will end. What will be the life of someone like me in say, 50 years time.

I'll be in contact Steve...Thanks alot for your posts here..and i will react to them.