StopItNow!

Stopitnow.org.uk is a site originating for the USA put in place by an abuse victim. This is how it came about as written by a psychologist working for the campaign:

"The organisation was setup in the United States by a woman who was a survivor of sexual abuse from her father. She recognised the need for help for both victims of abuse and for abusers, to help them to manage their behaviour and sexual interests safely, without causing harm to others. She gave the organisation the name Stop It Now because she said that as a child, she had very confused and difficult feelings towards her father. On the one hand he could be a loving and caring father, and she wanted a father. On the other hand, she hated the abuse. She said that she did not want her family to be split up or for her father to go to prison, but as far as the abuse went, she wanted him to stop it now. That is where the name comes from."


This site seems to be widely recognized as a place to seek help for abuse victims or those that suspect it. Great idea you might say as surely anything we can do to protect children is a good thing.
The trouble i am presented with is: in order for these campaigners to believe they are "protecting" children, they wind-up having to close their eyes to possible and probable adverse affects. If they challenged their conscience then their campaign would be weakened as a result and i suspect they subconsciously know it.

I contacted this site at a time of need. They say they are there to help with those that have sexual attractions towards children. What help would this be? Advice on how to "re-train" (cure) ones sexual arousal and avoid an attraction to children.

Here i include my entire conversation with them, UN-EDITED (except for removing names and dates). At times i may sound arrogant, but please remember, these emails are an explosion of my frustrations in the way society is responding to paedophilia.
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To whom it may concern

This email is well over-due as i've been wanting to put my points forward to you for a long time. After my recent and first experience with StopItNow i now feel compelled to have my say.
I'll start of by saying that i am a paedophile. You probably hate me already right?

I am permanently very depressed and every couple of weeks i get desperate and usually end up sending an email to someone or sometimes phoning the Samaritans.
Yesterday was a bad day and bad days are quite often provoked by seeing some news article about child abuse and rape usually associated with paedophiles. In this case it was after watching the video regarding the recent nursery worker who abused children in the school. The BBC said the man who'd requested the pictures turned out to be a "paedophile". They might as well have well put the word low-life before it as they seem to be regarded the same.
I phoned the BBC action line as i had been affected by it, but all they could do was give me other numbers and StopItNow was top of the list. I phoned yourselves in the hope of getting help, but i got through to a man who was very unfriendly and off-hand. I was upset at the time (as i often am) but the man became hostile by raising his voice telling me there is no help except to arrange an appointment to speak to a doctor some weeks away. I was trying to make my point heard that there needs to be some sort of help line for paedophiles who aren't seeking prevention but seeking a way to move on in their lives despite the hate they live with. He made it clear that he thought i was personally attacking him and that he cant change anything.
After the phone call i contacted the Samaritans as the last thing i needed was to speak to someone who plainly doesn't care. I have a right to be angry, not him!
I arranged an appointment to speak to the Doctor, but now i feel doubtful about it after the response i received.

I believe your site has been around for a few years now, so why is it you still fail to see the blaring gap for support to ALL concerned? If you really want to help prevent abuse then you have to tackle it from all angles.
Is it your belief that only children are the victims? Do you know what its like to go through life being hated and spat on for something out of your control? Paedophilia is about an attraction, both sexually and emotionally. It is NOT about abuse, harm or cruelty! Therefore, thanks to the hysteria caused by the media, the government making laws blind to the real facts, everyday is a hard struggle for me and will continue to be until there is a change. YOU are in the perfect place to setup support but you choose to follow general feeling and wouldn't want to "sympathize with the devil" i assume.
Let me explain why i think you are getting it wrong.....

A paedophile before affected by prejudice and ignorance, most often is a nice person with morals and respect for others, but when you turn on him, calling him the worst of names for the rest of his life, that will suck out any goodness he previously had. When a paedophile feels desperate in this hateful climate he tries to seek help, but guess what, there is nothing. He types into google "help for paedophiles", the results are child abuse cases, how to catch/spot a paedophile, the "idea" of a help line for paedophiles, but no organization to support us.

We have an absurd law in this country that criminalizes the possession of an indecent picture of a minor which is punishable up to to 10 years in prison. Are you able to explain to me exactly what an "indecent" picture is? I bet you cannot and i know i cant either yet this defective law exists because our government has no idea how to deal with it. Do you think this is right? Paedophiles want to enjoy the sight of a child and they know that enjoying a picture is not harming that child in any way. The girl could be from a modeling agency with the consent of both her and her parents. She is photographed and is undoubtedly enjoying herself. I don't see anything wrong with this and if paedophiles want to see these pictures then they should be allowed to. The trouble is nobody knows what "indecent" is so there must be hundreds of thousands of men that are really frightened that the only help they will get from their own government is 4 police officers bashing down their door, finding "supposed" indecent images, arresting and imprisoning them, the media then name and shame them and they get put on the sex offenders register. It is NOT a crime to be a paedophile so this reminds me of the way Jews were treated in Nazi Germany!

With nobody to talk to and no help available, do you really think paedophiles can have any quality of life? I have never abused so it doesn't take a huge amount of intelligents to realise i should not be blamed for the act of abusers. We are human like everyone else and we too have rights which are blatantly ignored. So, by not offering support to paedophiles who are not likely to abuse at the present time, you run the risk of that man becoming a danger because the world only wanted to hate him and not help him. He becomes a monster he's already accused of being, abuses and then every other paedophile takes the blame. A help line could have prevented him from abusing as he would have had hope and not hate in his life. We cant change this, YOU CAN! I can't go out and shout out rights for paedophiles as i will probably get a knife in my back, so all i can do is suffer while typing out emails.

Please be the first to say that we as a society have got this wrong and the hysterical reaction we're all accustomed to is putting children at risk, not protecting them!
I wish myself luck in my life as all i can see is black as my future. It doesn't need to be like this and it shouldn't be.
If I thought this email would definitely help change things it would be much longer as i have so much to say about it.
The day a paedophile can easily find help in a safe and confident way without being prejudged is the day we can say we are doing a good job in protecting children.
So far my experience with your organization has been a very unpleasant one. I hope this changes.

I have just discovered that StopItNow is world-wide instead of my previous belief that it was solely the UK. I guess even more now that my email will fall on deaf ears but i couldn't help noticing things on your site that i would like to comment on.

Having already explained my experience with your help line i was surprised to see your page titled: "Concerned about your behaviour?" On there you say that you understand the struggle and you are ready to help. I was told you dont have a help line for paedophiles but quite clearly you are suggesting this. Then to read the quote that someone and their family lived happily ever after because of your help line made me wonder why i had such a different experience.

Under "What can be done to prevent children being sexually abused?", i read "The more difficult we make it for abusers to come between children and parents or carers, the better-protected children will be."

This insinuates that the more a wedge is driven between child and adult the better. I dissagree. Making children fear all adults and believing every adult could be an abuser is very damaging and is part of the reason why society is cracking up in this country.

Under "Who sexually abuses children?", i noticed "Many children are abused by other children or young people".
I remember at school as young as 8 where boys would lift up girl's skirts or the girls would hide things down their shirts for the boys to retrieve. Was that sexual abuse? Can that boy (now man) be arrested for child abuse? Sexual play starts at a very young age which is crucial and perfectly natural so i think its dangerous to state this.

Last paragraph i promise..

Under "What is child sexual abuse?" I would like to react to "Non-touching activity".

* "Showing pornography to a child"

To the best of my knowledge any image created to sexually arouse is considered to be pornography. So why is it a young child is able to walk into a newsagents and buy papers like the Sun, The Daily Sport and many others and allowed to look at the pornography contained? not to mention the availability of porn on the internet for any child to access. Ok, nobody is directly showing them but these papers are being sold with no age restriction so these papers and websites could be accountable for child sex abuse. Ofcourse this would be madness but the way we are going things like this might happen.

* Deliberately exposing an adult's genitals to a child

I remember when i was about 8 years old, one day my Mother and my Step Father both flashed me one morning while making funny noises at the same time. They both did it twice, it was in the name of fun and i dont remember any other occasion. Accoding to your statement i was sexually abused although i know i was not.

* Photographing a child in sexual poses

What is a "sexual pose"? This is just as grey as the use of the word "indecent". Many girls of prepubescent age like to mimic adults and famous models with the way they dance or having a picture taken. I think we've all seen that and i think we can agree its "ok". So if a girl was to have her picture taken blowing a kiss or posing like an adult, did abuse really take place? A sexual pose is simply a pose that shows ones body in the best way, nature does the rest.

I do think there is cause to consider revising some of your web pages and the way your organization works. I hope you can see how rough a deal im getting, but more importantly the adverse affect your campaign could have on society. The world of paedophilia is two-sided, so please consider the other side just as much and good things will happen im sure.

I very much hope for your response and thanks for listening,

Joe
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Dear Joe,

Thank you for your e-mail. I am sorry that your first contact with the Stop it Now! helpline does not appear to be a positive one. Let me re-assure you that we are here to help adults who are concerned about their thoughts and behaviour and we want to help and support you. I apologise if you felt that you were not being listened to and that your call was not dealt with in an appropriate and sympathetic manner. I can tell by your e-mail that you were upset and that you have a number of issues which you wish to discuss.

I am sorry that we cannot offer you an earlier appointment, but as you can appreciate, with the recent media activity, we have been quite busy and unfortunately other specialist times have been booked up. -[SHE TALKS OF THE PLYMOUTH CHILD NURSERY ABUSE]- I do feel however, that someone else would be the right person for you to speak to and I urge you to keep the appointment that was made for you. I will certainly ensure that she has seen your e-mail and will be prepared to discuss the matters you have raised.

I do hope that you will feel able to re-contact Stop it Now!

Kind Regards,
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HI,

Thanks for acknowledging my email. That was the first time i had spoken about it on the telephone and the first time id spoken to the Samaritans about it too. I realised how uncomfortable i was using my voice as i cant be really sure i'm not being listen to by either someone at my home or someone at the phone company. I'm not talking about homosexuality issues here, so therefore i hope you understand why i feel the need to cancel that phone appointment. If i am able to discuss things via email that would be great, if not, no problem. You've received my email and my points have been heard so i feel better for that, but i still believe you don't exist for guys like me. Until you are as sympathetic towards people like me as much as you are towards abuse victims and their families, then i will never hold any respect for your campaign. If you can't reach out to people like me and help us in attempting to lead normal lives in these very hostile times, then you're failing in my view. I mentioned before that this absorbs me everyday, but an example of the emotions i live with is when i was in the supermarket today. I saw a very pretty and sweet girl of about 6 years of age. She was happy and playing around, but when i first noticed her, my first thought was, "oh she's adorable". There was no sexual thought of any kind in my mind except for the fact she made me smile. My second thought was "guilt". I'm a paedophile that was within a couple of feet from a little girl and i'm sure if the parents knew what i was they would have something to say having seen me smile at their daughter. Everyone else is allowed to make a fuss of kids except me. I have to feel guilt and move along as quick as possible. This is one of the many negative emotions my mind has to endure every single living day, yet i posed zero threat to that girl. Is it me that's ill or is it society? This is what prejudice has done to my life and all the time you swap the words of sex crimes with the word "paedophile" (i can show you many examples), then you are contributing to the destruction of mine and many many people's lives. People that do this should be ashamed of themselves yet they are the very ones feeding this to the population. An average paedophile doesn't look at a child like a piece of play meat, he is attracted sexually yes, but also in a emotional way. Society has seperated sex from emotion due to the abundance of violent filthy porn sites, some of which are advertised as "barely legal", "school girls" and "simulated rape", all of which are perfectly legal, but for the man that gets sexual pleasure from looking at a girl in her bikini should be sent to jail. Am i talking nonsense here or can you see how twisted this all is?

You didn't answer any of my questions but i can understand as they are hard to answer, but i have many more. The only answer i get from people is "yeah, but they're just kids!" Sorry, but that is no answer and if you think i'm inevitably going to abuse a child because of what i am, then i say "shame on you, not me." I think one of the reasons why paedophiles find your site to be hostile is due to the name "StopItNow". That sounds like you're telling us to stop being paedophiles. Whether you think its an illness, sickness or a sexual orientation, the fact remains there is no cure, attraction does not mean action and i certainly wont be volunteering to have my manhood chopped off because i have these thoughts and YOU think im a danger! What are you to me..friend or foe? Unfortunately i feel the latter.

Id like to leave you some food for thought. Lets imagine one day a child and a paedophile come together. They make friends and start having innocent play. Now the paedophile (because of what he is) may well get a sexual reaction from this but he is fully aware of the consequences to that girl should he cross the line and the play develops a sexual nature. (This guy is like me but hes happy because he lives in a different time of civilisation to me). The man did not cross the line and felt it was fairly easy to stay within the rules. The paedophile and girl depart company and both had a fun time, no harm to the child and neither to the man. What would be your reaction if this girl was your daughter in the present day? I think most would end the situation very quickly with bad feeling. The man would be asked to leave, probably with the police waiting for him and the girl would feel she did something wrong. The girl is now upset and confused and it will have made an impression on her life. The man has been sentenced to a life of misery. The question being....who harmed who.....?

Sorry for getting carried away again.

Who can i contact about my objections regarding the site?
Please cancel that appointment and i will contact StopItNow via email again in the future

Many Thanks
Joe
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Dear Joe,

Thank you for your e-mails to Stop It Now. You raise an issue with the name of our helpline and I thought you might like to know its origin. [SHE THEN CITES MY OPENING PARAGRAPH]

It is clear from your e-mails that you understand that sexually abusing a child is very harmful to that child. You appear resolved never to do this, and I honour that resolve. As an organisation we recognise that some of the individuals who sexually abuse children are primarily paedophilic. Others may have a sexual interest in adults alongside an attraction to children. We would not describe the second category as paedophilic, although they also need to learn to manage their feelings and behaviour so that they do not harm children. However, through exercising conscious control of their sexual thoughts and fantasies, and through avoiding use of indecent images of children all of which behaviours tend to reinforce sexual arousal to children those who also have an attraction to adults have an easier lot in life. By focussing their sexual thoughts and fantasies on adults, and by using only legal and consensual adult pornography if any they can learn to retrain their arousal. They starve the illegal arousal and feed the legal sexual interest.

For people whose only sexual interest is in children, the outlook is more difficult. These individuals will have to learn to re-channel sexual energy into legitimate areas such as friendships which offer emotional closeness and validation, creativity, sport, study, religious faith, or work that gives the satisfaction of benefitting others. This is no easy process, and it means permanently managing ones sexuality and never being able to indulge it. That is a very tough thing to do, and I have the greatest respect for people who have this unfortunate sexual orientation but work hard throughout their lives to ensure it never hurts another person. Life can nonetheless offer many satisfactions, without fear of stigma, causing victims, or legal consequences. To learn more about this, look up the writing of Tony Ward on Good Lives. You will find references online.

You may object that some kind of sexual release is a necessary part of life. My suggestion would be that the individual should masturbate infrequently, so as not to increase sexual preoccupation and to ensure that ejaculation occurs more easily. Do not allow masturbation to be heightened by sexual thoughts, fantasies or pornography, because this will associate sexual pleasure with the idea of children, but focus only on the physical sensations and do not protract it more than you need for release. I have discussed this technique with a number of individuals who have managed to make it work for them. In time, the process of starving the arousal will make this easier.

You make reference to paedophiles having contact with children and playing harmlessly with them. In my experience, however good the individuals intentions, this is a risky thing to do. People often do not realise they are about to offend until they actually find themselves doing it. they were sure a moment before that their intentions were innocent. I am able to say this because I have discussed the circumstances of offending with many abusers over many years. It is unwise for both you and the child to put yourself in a situation of temptation. It is much better to foster and develop your adult friendships and derive emotional satisfaction from them.

Likewise, looking at sexually arousing pictures of children online, whether these are modelling pictures of skimpily dressed children or images of actual abuse, is unhelpful to the process of managing arousal. It intensifies sexual interest in children, and clearly, those images which depict scenes of abusive activity have been very damaging to the victims in the process of filming. This is why possession of these images is more severely treated in English law.

I do share your view that the demonization of people unfortunate enough to have a sexual preference for children is also unhelpful. As I stated earlier, my view, and I believe that of the organisation, is that those who have this orientation but do their utmost to manage it safely, deserve respect. And nobody is defined purely by sexual orientation. One can be a good pro-social individual or one who harms others, whatever ones sexual interest. It is a matter of personal choice and effort.

I hope that this addresses some of the issues that you raise. We would be happy to help you further with managing your feelings and behaviours if you are so minded.

With best wishes,
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Dear.....,

I am genuinely grateful for your efforts and this is what i crave alot of the time, is someone to talk to, but more importantly someone that can see the injustices of demonising paedophiles. I would very much like to reply to certain things you mentioned even if it will take every two weeks for your reply, well, i guess that's better than nothing as i am not paying for your time and neither would i want to. I'm sorry to say that the bulk of my questions have not been answered and again I'm not really surprised at that. Ive sent two emails and one of which i updated. The prejudice and discrimination fuelled by the media, the government and to some extent, organisations like yourselves make it impossible for me to cure myself (as you suggested), as a human needs hope in order to "live". I don't have that hope, never will have that hope unless i can manage to move to a country that doesn't obsess in hating me like the good 'ol Brits or there is a change in law and social feeling. I know there are huge numbers of people in the same boat as me yet none of us can make a difference because as soon as someone speaks out publicly, all eyes turn to him. Women are probably reluctant to speak on our behalf as they can't understand paedophilia just as they cannot understand the way sex affects a man differently to a woman.

(Text from you is in speech quotes)

"It is clear from your e-mails that you understand that sexually abusing a child is very harmful to that child."

I understand that harming a child is wrong, if i didn't then i wouldn't be talking to you now and i wouldn't be a true paedophile. The problem i have is understanding what abuse is and how exactly it is defined. I have my own view on this and i would interpret abuse to be the point at where a child is made to feel uncomfortable because the adult's sexual interest has taken hold. I don't call this rape but I'm sure many do.

"As an organisation we recognise that some of the individuals who sexually abuse children are primarily paedophilic. Others may have a sexual interest in adults alongside an attraction to children. We would not describe the second category as paedophilic"

I want to laugh or cry when i hear you say this. I note you used the word "some" and you would be absolutely spot on. Not all abusers are paedophiles and certainly not all child killers (if any) are either, yet we hear them all get put into the same bag time and time again. With respect, you didn't invent this word. The meaning of the word is simply a sexual interest towards children or originally "child lover" so as much as I'd like to celebrate what you say as i qualify for this, i cannot go with it. The media (the educator of all people), the law and the origin of the word contradicts you I'm sad to say.
In the early hours of this morning before going to bed, i decided to check the news headlines. I find myself doing this as i can't bare to see myself getting portrayed as an abuser and all things nasty and do nothing about it. So despite it being very late and i was very tired, yet again i became angry which ended up in tears when i read "Wanted paedophile returns to UK". For the first time i made a complaint and now i have promised myself i will continue to do this every-time it happens. I have had enough!! Here is the email i sent them

"To whom it may concern,

Im tired and it's late but sadly for me i decided to check the news headlines before bed only to once again see that you call a rapist and obviously a dangerous man "a paedophile". I see examples of this in your news every week. I realise you believe it is a crime to be a paedophile in the UK, but it is not or can you prove to me otherwise?

I'll pick out the latest example out of literally hundreds, if not thousands,

"Wanted paedophile returns to UK". You call him "convicted", but to describe the crimes hes been convicted of, you use the word "paedophile". A man that attempts rape and assaults females is a "RAPIST". A man that abuses is an "ABUSER". A man that kills is a "MURDERER". This should be straight forward as these acts of crimes someone can be convicted of, but to say "paedophile" so therefore it means rape and abuse is discrimination and prejudice.

A paedophile can be as innocent as any other man so the fact this rapist was a paedophile, does not mean this is what paedophiles do.

Paedophilia describes a sexual attraction and NOT acts of crimes so please please stop with this persecution of ALL paedophiles. Your obsession with using this word has got to stop. You are destroying me and many thousands of others.

Please start describing these criminals in relation to their crimes and not their sexualities. If a gay man was convicted of raping a man you would not call him "a convicted homosexual" would you? You'd call him "a convicted rapist". Please show more sensitivity on this.

Thanks for listening" [EMD]

You mentioned that demonising us is "unhelpful". I urge to you use the word "barbaric" or "inhumane" instead. I have realised that i am becoming mentally unstable as of late and its not because I'm a paedophile, its a result of all I'm trying to get across to you and others. Keep hating somebody unjustifiably, they will eventually hate you back. I'm very concerned for my future and well-being as i have this hatred rising inside me as I'm faced with it everyday. If you can honestly tell me you know what life is like for me, then i hope you would say it is no wonder I'm loosing my mind! I have to work, i have to deal with the public, i have to deal with children on occasions too so it's not quite as simple as you make out to have this satisfying life you speak of and rid myself of this label. The damage has been done to me now so i feel a little insulted at your suggestions. Its like punching someone in the face but then telling them how to stop the bleeding. You see, i will never get out of this hole until I'm treated like a human being and not a scumbag being backed into a corner.

Apologies for side-tracking, I'll continue....

"However, through exercising conscious control of their sexual thoughts and fantasies, and through avoiding use of indecent images of children – all of which behaviours tend to reinforce sexual arousal to children – those who also have an attraction to adults have an easier lot in life. By focussing their sexual thoughts and fantasies on adults, and by using only legal and consensual adult pornography – if any – they can learn to retrain their arousal. They starve the illegal arousal and feed the legal sexual interest."

I am not a robot and cannot retrain a sexual attraction because of a law as i did not "train" myself to be this way. This is your way of saying, "you have an option, a way out, so therefore there are no excuses". This is very convenient for people to believe and for them it justifies the way they are able to morally hate paedophiles. If you really expected me to say "wow, so i just do that and this and problem solved??", then i question just how much you understand paedophilia. To say that, like me, men that also have an attraction to adults have an easier lot in life, there is nothing easy about my predicament i promise you.

"For people whose only sexual interest is in children, the outlook is more difficult. These individuals will have to learn to re-channel sexual energy into legitimate areas such as friendships which offer emotional closeness and validation, creativity, sport, study, religious faith, or work that gives the satisfaction of benefitting others."

This applies to me also, although hard to be sure, but i suspect if my rights had been exercised to begin with, then i would have emotional closeness with an adult and a reasonably fulfilling life. As it stands, i find it hard to look people in the eye not alone get close to them. I have tried to get close to people and have revealed my issue to women but now regret it with all my heart as it caused me alot of emotional torture.

"Do not allow masturbation to be heightened by sexual thoughts, fantasies or pornography, because this will associate sexual pleasure with the idea of children, but focus only on the physical sensations and do not protract it more than you need for release."

Interesting point. As you can imagine i have spent most of my life as single despite I'm still fairly young at 36 and not bad looking either. Sex is a lonely experience for me but i still sexually satisfy myself. I would say that if I'm having paedophilic thoughts during this, then this is nobody else's business and cannot be a crime. As surprising this may be for you, but the best sexual enjoyment i get is simply a solitary one both mentally and physically with no thought about females. This doesn't change anything, i still find pretty little girls absolutely gorgeous so therefore I'm still a paedophile and therefore have no live, love or value in this country.

"You make reference to paedophiles having contact with children and playing harmlessly with them. In my experience, however good the individuals intentions, this is a risky thing to do. People often do not realise they are about to offend until they actually find themselves doing it. They were sure a moment before that their intentions were innocent. I am able to say this because I have discussed the circumstances of offending with many abusers over many years. It is unwise for both you and the child to put yourself in a situation of temptation. It is much better to foster and develop your adult friendships and derive emotional satisfaction from them."

You are prejudging me! Don't compare me to abusers, as you said yourself, one cannot be defined because of a sexual orientation. The fact is, in an ideal world where i was able to rise above all of this, then i would inevitably be in this situation at some point! You think I should make my excuses and run because i cannot trust myself?? Would you do that? It's common knowledge that overcoming ones fears is to face them. I have purposely avoided these situations because people like you say i am bound to abuse a child, but this comes at a price, a depressed and reclusive person who hides away from people and has to feel guilt even talking to a child and ends up on the slag-heap where i am now. I cannot win here!

"Likewise, looking at sexually arousing pictures of children online, whether these are modelling pictures of skimpily dressed children or images of actual abuse, is unhelpful to the process of managing arousal. It intensifies sexual interest in children, and clearly, those images which depict scenes of abusive activity have been very damaging to the victims in the process of filming. This is why possession of these images is more severely treated in English law."

Why should English law treat images more severely than other countries? You probably didn't mean to, but you seperated pictures of girl models to those pictures of actual abuse. Even though we have no definition of an "indecent image" where downloading is considered the same as physically taking the picture, i know that images of skimpily dressed children in the UK IS considered to be"indecent", "actual abuse" and "child porn" and IS punishable up to a ten year prison sentence. (Excuse me while i shake my head in disbelief as i always do when i type that) With your thoughts in mind i come back to prejudice.....again. You are saying that enjoying these pictures "intensifies sexual interest", i disagree. I believe it can provide a safe outlet for these urges WITHOUT harming children just the same as adult porn or erotica does for anybody else. If we were to follow this belief then surely we could save millions of women being raped by banning all pornography indefinitely. Of course, most would ignore the ban and would become only apparent on the black market.

Laws that have such extreme punishment should be totally clear and not as murky as pea soup! If it cannot be clearly defined, it cannot be conformed to, therefore it should NOT exist!

Please help me out on the following. I asked "StopItNow" to answer these but they thought it best i speak to a psychologist instead. This is what I'm talking about, inconsistencies and hypocrisy over shadows what you are campaigning to do.

Under "What is child sexual abuse?" I would like to react to "Non-touching activity".

* "Showing pornography to a child"

To the best of my knowledge any image created to sexually arouse is considered to be pornography. So why is it a young child is able to walk into a newsagents and buy papers like the Sun, The Daily Sport and many others and allowed to look at the pornography contained? not to mention the availability of porn on the internet for any child to access. Ok, nobody is directly showing them but these papers are being sold with no age restriction so these papers and websites could be accountable for child sex abuse. Ofcourse this would be madness but the way we are going things like this might happen.

* Deliberately exposing an adult's genitals to a child

I remember when i was about 8 years old, one day my Mother and my Step Father both flashed me one morning while making funny noises at the same time. They both did it twice, it was in the name of fun and i dont remember any other occasion. According to your statement i was sexually abused although i know i was not.

* Photographing a child in sexual poses

What is a "sexual pose"? This is just as grey as the use of the word "indecent". Many girls of prepubescent age like to mimic adults and famous models with the way they dance or having a picture taken. I think we've all seen that and i think we can agree its "ok". So if a girl was to have her picture taken blowing a kiss or posing like an adult instead of standing motionless, did abuse really take place? A sexual pose is simply a pose that shows ones body in the best way, nature does the rest.

Under "What can be done to prevent children being sexually abused?", i read "The more difficult we make it for abusers to come between children and parents or carers, the better-protected children will be."
This insinuates that the more a wedge is driven between child and adult the better. I disagree. Making children fear all adults and believing every adult could be an abuser is very damaging and is part of the reason why society is cracking up in this country.

Under "Who sexually abuses children?", i noticed "Many children are abused by other children or young people".

I remember at school as young as 8 where boys would lift up girl's skirts or the girls would hide things down their shirts for the boys to retrieve. Was that sexual abuse? Can that boy (now man) be arrested for child abuse? Sexual play starts at a very young age which is crucial and perfectly natural so i think its dangerous to state this.

I have spent hours on this email and am prepared to spend many more, this is my job it seems and my only hope in life, to encourage rational thinking and expose the absurdities surrounding g this issue. If you can empathise with my observations, then PLEASE BE OUR VOICE!! You have the power and position to make changes and please don't think for one minute that children will be put at risk because someone is saying "hey, we are not giving paedophiles a chance here". You will be succeeding in protecting them. Not all guys are like me, some will be mentally weaker and the affects of all this on them is real cause for concern.

My original email was objecting to there being no helpline for paedophiles and outlining the whole sordid mess, i was NOT asking for help to control my urges and very much wanted to makers of the site to answer my questions. I only have you as a contact which is why I'm putting all my anxieties to you in the hope that some of what i say is noted and acted upon.

One day i hope to tell a woman how badly ive been treated, then for her to throw her arms around me and say "you poor bastard". Its hard to imagine the emotional release id experience as i have forgotten what happiness is now.
Together with my life experience and the crisis my Mother has gone and is still going through, i hope both of us can die peacefully with some sort of feeling that we made a difference. But...that's another horrible story which i will keep to myself for anonymous reasons, but a situation i felt hopeless in helping with because i was having my own battles.

I'd like to return your best wishes as you are human too and may have things in your life that are just as damn cruel.

Regards..
Joe
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Dear Joe,

"Thank you for your lengthy e-mail. I am afraid I cannot reply at equivalent length because I am employed to give help, support and guidance to individuals who are struggling to manage their sexual interests and behaviour. You, however, state that you are able to manage your behaviour so that it does not cause harm, and it appears that your primary interest is in having a debate. This is a perfectly valid wish, of course, but it is not what I am employed to do.

I did mention certain behaviours which could prove unhelpful to the safe management of a sexual interest in children. These included looking at images of children online or elsewhere that are provocatively dressed or posed, or that include abusive activity. They also included running sexual fantasies about children, especially as a masturbatory aid, because this is very reinforcing of the sexual attraction to children. I further advised you that befriending or “playing harmlessly with children could present more of a risk than you seem to believe, as it is relatively easy, when a sexual attraction to children is present, for contact with them to become arousing, no matter how unwanted that arousal may be. My advice was to avoid these behaviours in order to protect both yourself and children. I do know this is not as easy as it sounds, but I stand by my view that it is good advice, based on many years of experience with men, and occasionally women, who share your sexual interests.

I am very sorry that preoccupation with the media demonization of men with a sexual interest in children, has led you to feel isolated and full of bitterness and hate. It will be best for your own mental health and for your future safety, if you can try not to ruminate on what you view as injustice towards you. I would suggest not seeking out media accounts of paedophilia, or of child sexual abuse, and focussing on your other interests in life. It will help you to try to form some trusting friendships which are not based on this interest. If you are struggling with angry and unhappy mood-states, then consult your GP, who may be able to help. You do not have to disclose your sexual interests to him/her, but, provided you do not also disclose offences, your GP is bound to keep your confidentiality and may be able to offer some help.

I hope this is of some assistance.

With best wishes,
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Dear.....,

Thankyou for your reply. Whilst i appreciate that you are not employed to answer my questions, i still feel that i am entitled to have my questions answered by somebody at your organisation. I asked you these questions because i was only allowed to have contact with you and as you are a representative there, i assumed you could throw some light on them.

The statements i reacted to, i strongly believe could lead to numerous cases of "a miscarriage of justice". I believe its very serious indeed that the said statements are wide-open to miss-interpretation. As a paedophile, do you not think that i should have a very clear understanding of what "abuse" is?

The proficiency of "StopItNow" to clarify these points to people that struggle to fully understand them surely is of paramount importance. It's not "wanting a debate" that i seek, but wanting a handful of queries answered.

Please would you give me the contact details of a person in a position to fully explain to me the obscurities i have spoken of.

Many Thanks
Joe
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Dear Joe,

Thank you for your e-mail. I am sorry about the delayed reply, but I have not had an available helpline shift until now.

I am confused that you still wish to know what abuse is, since your e-mail of 21st October shows a good understanding. You will also be able to download this information from our website, or by accessing the law on sexual offending online. Of course, abuse consists of contact offences, including rape, indecent assault, unlawful sexual intercourse (normally between two teenagers when one is under-age), or frottage (unwanted rubbing of intimate parts against another person often a stranger and often œapparently by accident in a crowded environment like a train. Other offences include gross indecency (masturbating overtly or covertly in the presence of a child, or requiring a child to masturbate the adult). Non-contact offences include indecent exposure, taking indecent or sexually posed photographs of a child, downloading or distributing indecent images of children online, grooming someone under 16 for sex, whether online or in real life, showing a child pornography, talking to a child inappropriately about sex, or exposing a child to adult sexual activity. These are all actions which have the potential to damage a childs innocence and their trust in adults.

You cite the existence of Page 3 in the tabloids as an indicator that children are routinely exposed to pornography. I accept this is rather undesirable, but I am sure you will agree that it is not in the same league of harm as deliberately showing a child hard-core pornographic images. I have met adults who had this experience as a child and found it confusing and disturbing.

Likewise you cite one of the least alarming instances of indecent exposure when you write about your mother and stepfather doing this to you on a single occasion as a joke. You will certainly see that there is a big difference between this and a stranger exposing himself to a child in an isolated location – as often happens. This can be a very frightening experience, especially as the exposer is often sexually aroused and a little out of control, and this experience can continue to affect a young person in a negative way into adulthood.

Please accept that the instances I give are based on personal knowledge of survivors of abuse, and what they have said to me. I think that you accept that contact offending is harmful to children, and this is to your credit.

I hope this answers some of your questions. Otherwise I stand by the recommendations I have made in my two earlier e-mails. I send this in the hope that you are working on developing non-sexual interests that give you satisfaction, and in building adult friendships in which you can confide and feel supported.


With best wishes"
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Dear......

Thankyou for the reply. I feel the need to reply to you as i think "StopItNow!" can do alot more in helping deal with this in a better way. You never mention the discrimination and prejudice i face in my life is very wrong, but to only call it "unhelpful".
I have captured the interest of a national newspaper and that person acknowledges that i deserve better treatment. It shouldnt have to be a newspaper writing such an article, but yourselves as dedicated "experts".
Rape, indecent assault etc im quite aware of it being harmful, please dont feel the need to point this out again, but as ive mentioned twice, there is a grey area with the supposed "non-contact abuse".

As of now, this is your interpretation of non-contact abuse:

Non-touching activity includes:

* Showing pornography to a child

* Deliberately exposing an adult's genitals to a child

* Photographing a child in sexual poses

* Encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts


1. I would say that it is hypocrisy, not "undesirable" with papers that show porn ("Porn" being material created to sexually arouse) with no age restriction, when these kinds of tabloids were the very ones to incite hatred towards paedophiles in the first place. You added the words "hard-core" to your explaination but they are not displayed on your site. No, I know its not in the same league so perhaps you could draw a solid line as to what is abuse and make it clear. Its all porn whether hard-core or not.
You seem unsure of this yourself.

2. Perhaps this should be changed to: "A stranger exposing himself to a child in an isolated location". You are saying different things to me than you've outlined on the site. My parents showing themselves to me for fun was "Least alarming"? So it does alarm you to a certain degree that my parents deliberately showed their genitals to me? In your opinion, was i "abused" to a certain degree?

3. I have asked this several times but never have i recieved an answer...... What is a sexual pose or an indecent image??.

As the possession of an "indecent image" can land one in prison, (not to mention the naming/shaming and wreckage of that person's life and family) do you not think its barbaric there is no clear description? How can a person "know" if an image is indecent or not? All other crimes that result in such punishments are obvious in how they are wrong, but to see a picture of a girl genuinely looking happy and smiling, how can one then decide its indecent/abuse and wrong? Is there a percentage of allowed visible flesh? Are there certain types of poses that are illegal? Or is it ok for everyone else apart from paedophiles to have pictures of children on their computer? If you think an image is "indecent" simply because that image is in the hands of a paedophile, then you are guilty of discrimination. Why do i never get an answer? because you are trying to rid the country of paedophiles which is NEVER going to happen!

I would like to add that my observations in talking with you say to me that you have very little experience in dealing with paedophiles and too much in dealing with abuse victims. You seem to prefer to close your eyes to the fact that people like me are denied rights and the right to live in peace. I believe the right that government and media gave to society to incite hatred towards paedophiles has played a considerable part in the recent rise of homophobic attacks. This is just one of the adverse affects of the hysteria but i dont see you campagning for our rights which should be just as important as children's rights. We shouldn't automatically loose our rights because of a sexual orientation or hitting the age of 18!

In reply to: "developing non-sexual interests that give you satisfaction, and in building adult friendships in which you can confide and feel supported"

Im sorry if i appear frustrated with this email but its statements like this that anger me. Not that its particularly satisfying, but the ONLY non-sexual interest that i am left with is the interest in campaigning against paedophile prejudice and stop this evil witch hunt, not just by the lynch mob, but by society as a whole. I should be able to confess to adults (with whom id like to confide in and feel supported) that i have an attraction to children, but i am left with no choice but to "try" and bottle it up until my death because society has been taught that im "a monster", "evil", "mentaly ill", "diseased", "perverted", "scum", "sub-human" the list goes on forever and there is no word in the English language that seems hatefull enough to be appropriate for "all" paedophiles. That wasn't my fault so i deserve compensation for this.

There are many guys like me and indeed the vast majority of paedophiles in this country do NOT abuse kids, but we mean nothing to you and you couldn't care less about how we are treated. How unfortunate for children that is, as many children will grow up to be in the same situation as me, and you will be saying to those very same people; "well, we did care about you when you were a child, but now you're an adult, you're nothing". Do you know the likely future of a paedophile in th UK? I can tell you, it will end with very serious psychological problems that will probably go BANG!! Is that what you want? If not, then STOP IT NOW! and be objective in your missions. Contrary to what you may believe, this is NOT a fight between good and evil. If our government can't address these very clear and obvious issues, then that is a black mark on this country.

Yes, im angry about this and rightly so because you seem to be ignoring the point of my emails. You think that every paedophile can simply "re-train" his attraction and lift the pedo curse from his life. A gay person would laugh if you told them to "re-train" their atraction.
If you were born into this world as a man who found himself attracted to children, i'd bet all that i own that you'd have a very different opinion and would be saying the same things as me. Zero tolerance towards this will only lead to pain and the degradation of, not only the affected, but society too. Paedophilia is NOT about the desire to harm or abuse. Its about an innocent attraction; purely and simply. People that rape or kill children are not, and never have been paedophiles. There are alot of young people that need your help, but telling them to "cure themselves" is no help. Its being able to tell them that they can have a normal life and wont be hunted and hated anymore.
The next time you hear in the news, "paedophiles" being assumed molesters/rapists/killers etc, feel free to shed a tear (as i do) for the thousands who would be by personality, incapable of such things. If i thought the criminalization of people like me was the ONLY way to protect children, then id have no choice but to loose ALL self-respect for myself and others. Luckily, i have a good case for the things i say and can identify myself as a victim. Its a shame you cant.

No need to reply to this as i dont have problems in resisting the urge to rape, torture and harm kids, but hopefully if any of this plays on your mind, you might debate it with your colleagues. I can only hope........

Joe
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Dear Joe,

Thank you for your e-mail and we will look at and discuss the issues you have raised.

Kind Regards,
The Helpline Team